I want to share a bit about Joshua Harris' book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", although it might seem to me as rather delicate and tricky subject to discuss. I read this book a couple of months ago, recommended by my sister. I am now completely hooked on the idea. Before I start talking about the book, let me tell you part of myself, in order to give a picture where my agreement comes from.
I dated. I had numerous encounter with men albeit I wasn't the most popular girl by any means. The suggestion of 'not dating' made me laugh terribly like hyena because I thought it was the most outdated, obsolete, unfashionable concept I've ever heard. It sounded so ridiculous and extreme at that time. Don't get me wrong, I had been through an unpleasant fling, an unhealthy relationship, a dreadful dating scene. But it didn't make me off dating. I believe in true love, rosy fairy-tales, even chick-flick movies. I was a desperately romantic person who long for a happily-ever-after ending. Like anybody else. But apparently my understanding of romance and love was completely wrong. I was looking for enchanting, passionate, fervent attraction and excitement that we always see when we fall in love. I was looking for drama, not the real thing.
Joshua Harris depicted "Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating" as below:
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the "friendship" stage of a relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
5. Dating in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing the future.
6. Dating can cause discontentment with gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.
When I brought about the whole new view to my best friend, she said, "It makes dating looks like a homework," It's not completely wrong. She's got point. Where is the fun side? Where is the spontaneous, adventurous, mind-blowing experience of free fall?
Joshua Harris said to pursue a relationship without commitment is like climbing a cliff without making sure that someone will hold the rope. For me, it's like skydiving without having a parachute. I skydived, I know the thrill of free fall (although lasted only few seconds). But would it be fun if I suddenly realized I didn't have parachute? Would I even jump? I think I will make sure I have one and another one, if in odd chance the other one doesn't work. So as in relationship. But this is also not the point. The aim of being in relationship is happiness, not merely to have a company, to be entertained, or to get some sparkles in our tedious life. This beautiful plan can only happen in the perfect moment. Like "when Harry met Sally". The right thing in the wrong time is the wrong thing, says Joshua Harris. "We can't hurry love," says Phil Collins. Is this all about finding a soul mate? Not really. It is about seeking something worthwhile, something deserves the wait. It is about growing as a whole, mature and secure person without being jaded by an appalling experience of heart-break. It is not solely about belief or opinion, it's in fact a common sense. We need rules in relationship because it takes two. We have to agree to something. Problem is, when the elation is gone (let's say, we're falling out love) somehow we start to make our own rules. When hard times come, we have nothing to hold on. This is when we experience the drawback of free fall. The time when we head straight to the ground, upside down. Of course, we will always survive this. But let's stop to think, "Is this it, the game of dating? With all the blasts and sparks, only end up in depression? Is there something else?"
Not all relationships end badly. Some of them last, despite the ups and downs. I am pretty sure many people learn by doing. But I believe it is better to start something when we know the rope. I don't say that having a relationship is wrong, but to search for a stir up without commitment is unwise. Love is not a play thing. It is not entertainment. It is not about being popular, being an idol, being a winner or being adored by someone. It has higher purpose. I am sad to say that love is inhuman. It is a human nature to seek for pleasure. But love is more about giving and being selfless. It makes us better than human.
This writing is for Kristina, who will tie the knot on 28 November 2009 (It's always a bit embarrassing to write about love, I'm always afraid of being corny)^_^ .
Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. 1 Corinthians 13:4
